Gravy

My teacher sent this to me today. It was published right after Raymond Carver died. Check out Cathedral and A Small, Good Thing. And his biography. They are all worth it.


Gravy
Raymond Carver

No other word will do.  For that’s what it was.
Gravy.
Gravy, these past ten years.
Alive, sober, working, loving, and
being loved by a good woman.  Eleven years
ago he was told he had six months to live
at the rate he was going.  And he was going
nowhere but down.  So he changed his ways
somehow.  He quit drinking!  And the rest?
After that it was all gravy, every minute
of it, up to and including when he was told about,
well, some things that were breaking down and
building up inside his head.  "Don’t weep for me,"
he said to his friends.  "I’m a lucky man.
I’ve had ten years longer than I or anyone
expected.  Pure Gravy.  And don’t forget it."

Do what you love

The Oatmeal posted this comic somewhat recently about ... I'm not going to tell you. I want you to read it!

Done?

Okay. Yes, it is a little tl;dr. I do think there is a lot of truth in it though. Actually, I think it is all true. Everything he says in the comic I have felt at sometime if not all the time. I don't just mean for the blog, because honestly we know I don't blog enough for it to really count (yet). I mean for my writing in general. Someday's I can lock myself in my room and get nothing done, someday's I can go for a walk in a new neighborhood and still nothing. I can sit at a coffee shop, a bus stop, a drug den... and still nothing! It is these weird moments of clarity when I realize what I should be writing.

Sometimes it works, most times it doesn't. I have written pages of complete and utter shit just to get one paragraph out of it in the end. And it's worth trudging through that crap to get a gem.

I think the part I like the most is asking for help on what to write. Someone could tell me they think I should write about a trip going to grandma's and I end up writing about a fifty-year-old suffering with a fear of Jell-o. I love the baffled looks I get when someone reads a story they know started from something else. The bounds of imagination are much looser than you'd think.

(Homework - give me a prompt or sentence on what to write about. Maybe I'll post what I can come up with!)

No, I'm not a "writer". I don't get paid for it - I'm not even well known. But perhaps one day I will be. That is really all the matters to me - the 'maybe'. 

Related/Unrelated - 

My teacher read us a poem in class the other day that I have been meaning to show you guys. 

Failing and Flying

By Jack Gilbert

Everyone forgets that Icarus also flew. It's the same when love comes to an end, or the marriage fails and people say they knew it was a mistake, that everybody said it would never work. That she was old enough to know better. But anything worth doing is worth doing badly. Like being there by that summer ocean on the other side of the island while love was fading out of her, the stars burning so extravagantly those nights that anyone could tell you they would never last. Every morning she was asleep in my bed like a visitation, the gentleness in her like antelope standing in the dawn mist. Each afternoon I watched her coming back through the hot stony field after swimming, the sea light behind her and the huge sky on the other side of that. Listened to her while we ate lunch. How can they say the marriage failed? Like the people who came back from Provence (when it was Provence) and said it was pretty but the food was greasy. I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell, but just coming to the end of his triumph. Remember to always do what you love - even if you're bad at it. You can always get better.

I'm really drunk right now and... kinda hate all my friends cause I realize they all are in relationships and I'm all, "Fuck you, I'm a fucking unicorn."

SUck my baaaaaaaaaalls, biatch. I may be single but at least I'm not S.E. Cupp, that girl is aaaaaaaaaaannnoying and has ugly glasses.

I'm a fucking rainbow licking unicorn, so forget all you happy gnomes. Pfft

Also I am kinda drunk right now, so I'll just blog about the Vampire Diaries later and make it all better.
sorry.

AND FORGET ALL YOU COUPLED JERKS :D

SINGLE FOR LIFE.

SFL.

Ya. Represent.

rainbow licking unicorn

also: 

ugh.



edit: I want to be the Batman right now. I wanna go through the town and tell people they fall so they can rise and omg I wanna kick someone in the face. WHY AREN'T I KICKING IDIOTS IN THE FACE. But I wanna do it without clothes on.

I wanna be NAKED BATMAN.

another (sober) edit: Wtf. Blogging is dangerous. Drunk blogging is super dangerous! I vaguely remember this and I regret that I actually published it. Oh well, here it is!

I do like the whole Batman thing, just not naked Batman. I wanna not naked Batman.

This is what I will now strive for, thank you Drunk Rachael. I will be Not Naked Batman! 

You heard it here first

I don't expect I'll be alive this time next year. My body is slowly, but surely, shutting down.

Yesterday, while working out (yes I still do that), I started to get dizzy. I thought I was just dehydrated so I decided to just drink more water the rest of the night. After working out I had to go to yoga. I felt like my nose was going to bleed the entire time, this tingly sensation in my sinuses and that metal taste in my mouth. It never did, though. There was this intense pressure behind my eyes.

I was like, whatever. I drank some more water and went to bed, I thought I was probably tired at this point. Besides a nightmare of vampires taking over the world (thank you Vampire Diaries for that), I slept fine. I got up early and took a shower. While trying to get ready I felt dizzy again, and the headache was coming back. I laid down and when I got up I was late too class. So I skipped it! Best thing to do - right? :D SCHOOL SUCKS - EVERYONE SHOULD DROP OUT.

I'm kidding. I love school! Everyone should go back :D

Anyway. I realized it wasn't getting better so I stuffed my face with doughnut holes. Good life choices, mate!

I get sick all the time. All. The. TIME. I hate it! I just learned to start ignoring it, unless it is really bad. I am pretty sure I have a shitty immune system due to both my parents smoking 24/7 when I was a kid. Around 5am I would be woken up by the stench of a cigarette my dad left in the toilet before he went to work. EVERY MORNING. It was disgusting. All my food tasted like cigarettes too, it was terrible. I mean, it could just be I am highly susceptible to illness. Maybe I eat too much junk food, maybe it's the dead rat's I have hanging in my room, or the flies that are living in their corpses. I don't know! Shit, it could be God punishing me for not believing in him.

Even though I get sick all the time, this seems different. I don't feel sick, just... weird.

I was playing with my nephew, bouncing balls, and I started to see the trail of the balls... like lingering images of where they had been. Just for a second. It made me nauseous. When I was walking down the stairs I saw the door at the bottom move to the right and slide back to place. I fell in the bathroom thinking I was going to trip on the rug, but I wasn't even by it. I was reading a book and realized I had read the wrong side of the page at least two times. I've been talking to the wall and calling it Aunt Sally.... maybe.

Anyway, my head has felt like it has been bulging all day. It's annoying. The pressure behind my eyes is still there and my vision is getting blurry. The light irritates me, and so I have my computer turned all the way day. Hm...


Here are potential causes I'm considering:
My body will no longer process water and I must find new ways to hydrate myself
Brain tumor (I have like... 5 symptoms!)
My brain is growing bigger
Bacterial infection
I'm transitioning to a vampire (thank you Vampire Diaries)
I need glasses

If I do die in a year, and it is unexplained please refer back to this post... or start whittling your stakes because there is a vampire on the loose... (thank you Vampire Diaries).

Dorothy Surrenders: Four more

Dorothy Surrenders: Four more: It was a good night for hope. It was a good night for love. It was a good night for progress. It was a great night for America. President Ob...

I just realized I have over 2500 page views for the blog. Thank you to whichever one of you has clicked the refresh button over 2430 times. You are blessed.

Have a picture of dessert I made back in June.

I am sure it is still edible.

I want to blog, but just had a Slurpee and a big bag of flaming hot Cheetos. I feel sick and am suffering from a major headache. Why did I do this.

Here is a picture of me in a really cool sweater:

Click on it, save, make background to computer.

I am going to detox now.

Cunt

I have been thinking an awful lot on the word "cunt" lately. I have always thought it detestable not just for what it "means" but for the sound... cunt. CUNT. It sounds like a messed up nut. A dirty, smashed nut that hasn't seen clean water in several months. Maybe you know of this comic:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/c_word

I agreed with him when I read it, and I agreed up to a few days ago.

Now, though... I rather like it. It is abrupt, rude, and masculine. Men get awesome words for their genitalia like dick and cock... and what do we get? TWAT? Awesome. It makes it sound like a wet pancake! Cunt, though... it is no wet pancake. It is disturbing, uncomfortable, and distasteful. Beautiful.

Cunt needs to be used more often - women shouldn't be afraid to get nasty. We should be proud of it and unafraid to stand up for ourselves and the right to our cunt. The word has been around for ages! Let's wear it proudly, right where it belongs.

Where it belongs is between the labia and the cervix.

I remember seeing a variation of cunt used in Hamlet (the only Shakespeare that I've read and REALLY enjoyed). Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm kidding! Of course you do! You didn't Sparknotes that shit. But you need a reminder. Its been ages since High School. Here:

Ham.  Lady, shall I lie in your lap?  [Lying down at OPHELIA’S feet.
Oph.  No, my lord.
Ham.  I mean, my head upon your lap?
Oph.  Ay, my lord.
Ham.  Do you think I meant country matters? I only remember this because Hamlet had so much nasty talk in it. Read it here if you never have. Seriously! It is worth your time. If you didn't catch it: Read it out loud. "Country" pauses with a "Cun". Hamlet was teasing poor Ophelia about going down on her *ahem*. Wikipedia cites that Chaucer used it as well. I looked up The Miller's Tale here to make sure it was legit. I verily found the use.   "And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,"Queynte sounds quite similar to cunt, huh? I think it is gross he quietly caught some girl by the cunt, but those were the dark ages! Haha who am I kidding, guys still grab girls by the cunt. It's just normal and totally okay! Ah, the 21st century! Where men can rape women without fear, where it is okay and common place to make jokes about rape, and where you can't say vagina because OH MY GOODNESS MY PRECIOUS 50 YEAR OLD VIRGIN EARS. Maybe I feel a little intense about rape and how women are treated as lesser beings (because I have been so in a rage about rape in our society all day, thanks Brittany!). It isn't funny. Why do we act like it is? WHY are we still making "Women in the kitchen jokes"? Why do women go along with it? RESPECT THE CUNT.  I hate seeing this shit: Click on it to see what great things the people have to say. I realize my face editing was shit, but fuck. Whatever. Oh golly gee! She sure would fit better if she was chopped up! And so would you, asshole. I like that Dallas took a dig at Anthony, but then she laughs at his joke at the bottom there. Way to ruin it. The world needs to just... grow up. From now on I'll use the word cunt, just like I use vagina and twat. Which is rarely, but enough that I'll make some people uncomfortable. Picture source: Vagina

Pink

I am suddenly in love with the color pink. I want to wear it, paint my walls with it, smear it all over my body and call myself a dirty, dirty, pinky, girl!

OH YOU DIRTY PINKY GIRL.

Why did you let me do that. You are supposed to watch me. Control me. Be here for me! Call me a dirty pinky girl ;).

But listen, I LOVE THE COLOR PINK. Which is weird because normally I hate it, but only due to the fact that it looks so gat damn awful on me. When I wear it I look like a washed out baby with TB that has been left out in the cold for too long. Bloated, white washed, and sickly. I wore a pink shirt for 10th grade pictures. Stupid fucking shirt ruined a perfectly good picture! No, the picture was already bad... but the pink accentuated my pimpled and exhausted face. Why would you want to accentuate that shit!?

I have a new lease on life now. I can wear pink. Pink can wear me. Pink and I are a color all together. We are magical. We can do things that other people can't. We can change worlds! I understand that I was going at it all wrong. I had to sit down and talk to pink to understand it.

Btw: I mean the color, not the singer. It seems obvious, but I don't want to cause any confusion. She would totally want me if she knew I existed. I'm kind of intimidated by her, though. WHO NEEDS HER. I don't. She's scary. I only need the color.

So now, whenever I see something pink - no... pastel pink - I get weak. Girly pastel pink, pukey pastel pink, pastel puke pink.

My eyes go fuzzy, I collapse, I scream for mercy. Maybe it is because pastel pink reminds me of a labia. EW why did I say that.

Please, you were thinking it too. So shut up.

I have never used this shit, but I have always wanted to.  It looks like it would be good on pancakes. Mmm.

Goddamit! It is such a sexy color. 

Picture sources:

Hair
Snake

Lipstick

Lips (not vaginal lips)

Bubblegum syrup

Nail Polish

I don't know what to call this

I finally know what it is like to break up with someone. Not like the two other times I broke up with Girlfriend, but the real, satisfying break up. The times before... I wasn't ready, I regretted it as soon as I ended it. I took her back instantly. I cried and felt sorry for myself. I said nothing bad of her.

This time was extremely different. For two weeks I have dreaded Girlfriend coming to visit on the weekends (she lives an hour away at college). I would be fine when she'd leave, awesome during the week... Thursday came along and I would get anxious, hyper-emotional, and stressed. I didn't realize I already knew, somehow, that she was lying to me. This last week I have had several dreams of breaking up with her. Why is my intuition so strong, but logic so stunted? They need to learn to work together...

It was like a light-bulb going off when I realized what was going on. It took me a whole day reflecting for it to finally click. When she finally got her on the phone, she fessed up to it almost immediately. So good for her I guess.

I didn't really cry, except on the phone with her. When I think about her I don't miss her, I just feel sorry she is fucking up her life. I had made it pretty clear we were over for good if she lied to me again. Maybe she didn't care, maybe she didn't believe me. I wish she would have had the gall to end it then instead of making me endure it for another two months.

Truth be told, I do love Girlfriend and I can't imagine my life without her. But it is time to cut her out of it. She doesn't belong here, not the way she has decided to behave. Which is being immature, lying, acting selfish, and... can I say immature again? Or maybe 100 more times?

My sister said to me, "You'd take her back, wouldn't you?" I don't want to admit it, but I would consider it. I want to, I really do. I hate it. I am sure everyone has said "But... we were going to be together forever..." and been crushed with the realization that forever is a really fucking long time. But I can't get back with her. She lies about serious and trivial things, breaks promises, and makes me feel like a shitty person all the time. Unless she decides to really change, we'll never get back together. And that won't be for a long while. A really long while. People can change, sometimes... but you can't know for sure how much they've changed unless time has tested it.

So now, she is Ex-Girlfriend. And I make no plans to mention that name again until she gets her life together. I mean, if she gets her life together. I want to have faith in her, but I think 9 months is all the patience I had for it.

If I were to offer help to her (you, I know you're reading) I would say:
1. Check out your schools counseling center. They have a lot going on and I know you could find help there. You aren't a teenager anymore, it is worth trying. You can do private counseling and group workshops. You don't have to be in it alone.
2. Move out when you can. From what I know, the person you're living with is negative and just fuels anger and violence.
3. Try and date other people. You'd always say I was the only one for you, but you're limiting yourself too much. It is worth it to at least try to see what else is out there.

I do love you, but you need help. More than I can offer. Maybe when we're done with school we can try it again, but not before then.

---

For now, I am going to watch the second season of The Walking Dead, work on homework, and study for midterms. Monday I have an interview with Sees Candies, mmm. Wish me luck, bro! Seriously. WISH ME LUCK.

It's been too long since I've blogged. Whenever I am driving home from school I think of 100 things to post... but have forgotten everything I wanted to say when I get to a computer. Just in case I don't remember to post something good tomorrow (I have the morning off from school! yes!):

I couldn't sleep last night largely due in part to a dream I kept having (a single night recurring dream oi vey). The dream took place in a large auditorium taken over by pretty blonde women yelling at me. I was standing on a stage above them. Presumably I gave a speech or performance on something they didn't like. I could tell I was extremely committed to whatever I had just done, though. I was staring at them, letting them yell at me.  It was unnerving. I woke up when they started to spit on me. I can still hear their angry screaming and the sound of them getting ready to spit at me. Nasty!

Whenever I'd fall back asleep I would go back to that dream. This is a dream I'd wish on NO ONE. Not even that annoying jerk in my class. OH THE THINGS I HAVE TO TELL YOU/the things I wanna rant about.

Tell then...

Take fish oil and wash your toes!
;-)

Crush of the Day

I have been reading a lot of Dorothy Surrenders lately. She does weekly posts (people can do that?!) called "My Weekend Crush" or something. If you like lesbians go check out her blog, ya'll. And if you don't like lesbians then please go walk into the mouth of a lion because you don't deserve to live. Lesbians are really cool! And pretty! Sometimes. They're pretty cool though! Except the uncool ones.

So, her weekend crushes got me to think about my own. Not that I have crushes on the weekend. I just have them sometimes. Usually when Girlfriend is gone and I'm alone and sad and cold and no one is there to warm me except my computer and Proteus and Proteus isn't very warm despite his tank being like 80 degrees and omg what a lucky fish.

I have always thought girls were attractive... because I've always been a lesbian. But there was a point in my life where I had to think about who(m? help me) I was saying was good looking. I could say Jennifer Aniston  was attractive because all girls think she is. If I started saying like... "Cherry Jones is a fox!" people would give me side glances and accuse me of being a GAY. That would be unnerving. Thankfully there came that moment I could say, "Hold on bizsnatch, you're gay," to myself. Now I find it very comfortable to say girls are sexy fine foxes! In fact I think I should do it more often.

Hey, you. Yes you, I find you attractive!

Oh! My goodness. I am so sorry! I thought you were a lady! It's okay. You're still okay to look at.

;)

*Ahem* I'll be forthwith. I have been crushing like mad on Ellen DeGeneres lately. My sister and I were watching her show the other day and when she started dancing I was like HOT DAMN. It was really ridiculous. I got all sweaty and collapsed on the floor. Thankfully the family dog resuscitated me. Sigh, it's kind of a mixed pleasing. If I had slipped into a coma I may have been with Ellen forever in my dreams...

Just kidding! Girlfriend I love you! The most!

I think I am getting a thing for older ladies though... because my crush of the day has been:

RACHEL MADDOW.

All that is Moldy!! - how did I not know she existed until today? Okay, I knew about her... but I didn't KNOW about her. She was a faceless name! A woman with no purpose! Now she has one - to keep a place in my heart. A small, dark place... forever.

Do you know who that lady is on the far left? That is Megan Rapinoe. Girlfriend is in love with her. She wants me to be her. Well, I want Girlfriend to be Rachel Maddow! Also; who is that tool in the back? Fuck. Rachel is in the middle.

SHE IS A DOG LOVER! Or just loves to pose with them! Who cares! Look at her!

Back in '98. Jesus!!! Christ. Dammit.

Alright, well I am going to take a really hot shower now. 

If you're reading this...

Will you post something in the comments? If you can! I am curious to how it works. I get "likes" for my posts, but have no way (that I can find) of seeing who is doing the liking! Blogger tells me I have all these readers, but they are mystery meat. I wanna take a big bite outta your juicy brains!

If you don't do what I am asking I hope a dog pees on your leg and your grandma disowns you. Also, an ax murderer will come into your bedroom at night and murder you with an ax.

:D

Debbie Downer

I had a moment of anxiety last night about going to the University of Portland. I thought "Hey, I wanna be a famous writer or something - why am I majoring in English?!"

Stupid fucking thought, I know. But it got me thinking: I got to major in Creative Writing, not English. Which only kind of makes sense. It makes sense in the sense it is about writing, doesn't make sense in the sense that scent cents English.

What. Sorry. I was on a roll!

Creative Writing Major = WRITING.

English = READING.

That's how it squares off in my head. So, while I am in a fantastic huff about it I am applying to 3 colleges to enter a Creative Writing Major Program. Though it is a lot of hard work. A lot of writing! Poetry! I know nothing of poetry. Why do I have to turn in a 10 page poem book? I ain't know how to rhyme.

Poetry is for clowns who cry too much
Hey, that sounds like me.
Why don't I write a poem as such,
Clever like a bee
I gotta sneeze.

Is that how it's done?? I don't think so. My pentameter and stuff was all FUNK. Not enough soul. I had a wise teacher once tell me, "All funk and no soul doesn't make a Creative Writing major, you." I finally get what he was trying to say! I have to have funk and soul to make creative writing, me.

Soooooooooo... here I am, should be sleeping... instead I am writing essays to let me into schools that seem a little bit more my speed.

I am applying to Emory, NYU, and Colorado College. They all have rad creative writing courses that make my heart sing!

When I said "a little bit more my speed" I meant "Expensive and elite Universities/Colleges that are kinda far and intimidate me." I just wanna learn how to write good. I wanna be like someone famous! LIKE OMG I DON'T KNOW NAME SOMEONE FAMOUS.

Please. I'll be them! I'll be them x.9. Where is my confidence!

I'm not so sure any of them will give me the time of day, and hey, that's cool. I don't even go out in the sunlight anyway. I don't need the TIME. I MAKE MY OWN TIME.


----



Sigh - what am I going to do when I decide to go into dental hygiene or something like that instead?

Why I Hate Milk

This is an essay I wrote once about why I hate milk. Sorry if it is littered with mistakes! I ain't proof readin' this shit.

---

Somehow in my youth I began to harbor a hate for a staple in American nutrition: milk. I think it's absolutely horrid and to drink just a plain glass of it causes me to gag. I can't watch another person who does, and I can't hear them glug it down. I can eat ice cream (occasionally of course), eat some cheese... but drinking a big glass of milk? No thank you.

My two main reasons I won't drink milk are pretty silly, I admit. First is this: I watched television a lot with my parents and they loved Science Fiction and Horror things like The X Files. On one of these shows I saw a doctor cut into an infected spinal cord. Murky white liquid squirted out. Just thinking of it makes me queasy. It looked just like milk. The other reason is the movie Napoleon Dynamite. In a scene he tastes and comments milk varieties. One milk has a taste of onions, another of bleach. I couldn't stand it, just watching and hearing him made me feel faint.

The other reasons for me not liking milk are somewhat more health oriented. The obvious health concern are the hormones. This is something that was in the news for a long while, and you still hear as a main cause to prostate, ovarian, and breast cancer. I never seem to remember this even though it is so abundant... so from now on if I must buy milk I will get rBGH free (the bovine growth hormone) and encourage others to as well.

While watching the movie Forks Over Knives – a movie about bettering your health through an all natural diet – I learned there is a protein in milk called casein. They mentioned an Indian test that found that rats fed 5% of their diet as casein were generally free from cancerous growths on the liver, whereas the rats fed 20% casein had tumor covered livers. Now, I did more research and those tumors aren't necessarily bad, and the ones with 20% casein actually lived longer... but the fact remains: tumors! Like I mentioned, casein is a protein. You can get protein from multiples of things including fish. Why not eat a nice fish fillet and get some healthy Omega-3's?

One last thing: the book Food Inc. mentions a headline that stated: “The FDA intends to approve meat and milk from cloned animals.” Now, I just can't stand by that. I am all for cloning animals, but there better be a lot of testing regarding these products.

I can't say I hope to ever find love for milk again, because I just don't. Since I stopped really drinking milk I started to become somewhat allergic to it. I tried a coffee with whole milk in it this week and became pretty sick from it. I don't feel bad about that. I think Americans drink way too much and the government shouldn't be forcing us to drink it (they added it into the new food pyramid) probably due to back alley dealings. I don't want to end this on some conspiracy theories – I just want people to try and be more aware of what they are putting into their bodies. Because... milk is gross.

EDIT: Here is what my friend Raz has to add about milk. He always has something to add! 

"Another thing you didn't mention about milk consumption: milk is acidic and drops your body's pH. due to this, more calcium is used as a buffer, and the calcium you get from milk isn't enough to cover it. as a result, your body actually loses more calcium than it's getting on intake. there are studies showing that we have higher instances of osteoporosis in societies where milk is a dietary staple as opposed to those where it is not."

Admissions and Additions

I admit I haven't finished a book since Winter term in my Literature of Genocide class. It was a brilliant class, it really was... but somehow after the class was over I stopped picking up books and starting clicking the "play" button. I became addicted to Netflix. Well, I already was... but I had a great balance of reading/Netflix. And homework. And life.

It probably has something to do with Girlfriend.

Anyway. I don't want to delve on it but I am going to make a stupendous effort to read the multiple of books I have now so I can burn them and move onto the next group. I'm too old not to have read A Rumor of War, The Prophet, Moby-Dick, The Time Machine... I'm only naming off these classic titles because they're the only ones I bother putting on the shelf. They make me look smart.

"Have you read these?"

"No, it's called Feng Shui! It messes with the vibe if I pick one up."

Seriously, I'm a Creative Writing major that doesn't read classics. More like a Fucked-in-the-Head major am I right?! Haha

Laugh with me!

In ADDITION to that admission I am going to go ahead and say I am trying vegetarianism again (I've done it twice now and I always fail!!). After Medifast, of course.

Why do it if it always ends in failure? Why does the smoker try to quit over and over? Because smoking isn't  beneficial to your wellness except in some social situations. And it makes you feel really shitty.

I fucking love animals. I would rather the world be filled with twice as many animals and a third less of humans. We fuck it up, we are really awful. All the energy we are using, the pollution, the land we take up. Then we go ahead and eat the critters that we should be living in harmony with.

It's so sick!

Okay, that was a little passionate. I honestly see no harm in some food chain action, but when we start caging up and abusing the animals we're eating... I get a little messed up in the head. And the heart. My soul hurts.

The first few times I went veggie, I did it were for my cholesterol. I think I mentioned in a very disconnected post that it was way too high for a sexy lady like me. But why should someone so in love with animals be eating them? It seems sick.

Why did it fail before?

Reason #1 - I wasn't giving myself enough variety. My friend was told me that vegetarians and vegans can fall prey to a "Beige Diet" of breads, rice, bananas..! That was me. I didn't even realize it but it was so very true for me. I plan this time to have foods at my arsenal that aren't bread!

Reason # 2 - Sushi. I love raw fish. Eel especially. Oh no! But fish are friends too. As Proteus, my fish, could tell you. He is so cute right now looking for food in his tank. He is always hungry! I swear he isn't a starving fish.

Reason # 3 - Everything looks, and tastes, amazing! I need to eat it all! Ugh. This is why I am so fat!

Reason # 4 - This is the worst... I love pigs. I want a pig. I want to have a big farm with a pig, goats, dogs, and a cat. But I'll never have money for that... Anyway. Pigs. They are incredibly smart, affectionate (sometimes, I've heard horror stories!), and so damn tasty! I hate it. Pork belly is my favorite. But no more!

I will not eat the pig! I heard humans taste like them anyway. Fucking cannibals.

So, why do it? Health, I love pigs, and health.

There we go! Maybe one day I can do vegan! I don't think it would be horribly hard because milk is DISGUSTING. But I do like ice cream... and I like honey too much. I'd def be one of those vegans that eats honey. What kind of vegan is that?! Ice cream I can live without because coconut ice cream is super good anyway. Also, I'd forget to tell doctors and then I'd get a flu shot and OOPS it's all messed up.

Also; I have lost over 10 pounds so far on Medifast. Yay starvation!!

Things I Don't Hate

A list of things I love, outside of the obvious of Girlfriend, Family, and Friends.

Because sometimes it's nice to reflect on things.

LIST OF THINGS RACHAEL LOVES 

Japanese ice ball - primarily for Scotch I believe

1. When people use "fancy" words. I am quite the erudite (eh eh), so when I hear people use words like "impetus", "sensual", "remiss", and "jocund" my heart beats faster and I feel inadequate. No, I don't see this as a horrible thing. I am mostly jealous because of the difficulty I have saying most words. I go for simple elementary synonymous words. Such as it is.
   
2. Ice. I love pictures of freezing weather; it is harsh but delicate. The way it reflects, melts, the different textures. Water in all states is really quite bewildering.
   
3. Synonyms. I should have done this first, but too late. I need to make a big poster of synonyms I enjoy. I was going to use "amazing" on numero dos, but found bewildering a much better choice for this.
   
4. Fox fur. Vintage, because I can't get behind killing animals that have a place on this world. What would we do with old fur that isn't being worn? Burn it? Bury it? Isn't it more economical to wear it? I think so. I like fox fur for only one reason: because it looks so damn good on me. I own none as of right now, so sheath your bucket of blood red paint.
   
5. Furry blankets. I suppose this goes with 4, but it needs to be said. I sleep much better with my blanket of fake fur. It isn't even fox colored. It probably emulates some hidden grasp my brain has to my childhood. The gripping a teddy bear when you sleep, trying to wrap yourself into its warm stuffing.
   
6. Proteus, my fish. I want to post a picture but am unsure of the location of my camera. It has been a long while since I got him so it's about high time he makes an appearance. As do Ani and Zelda, my dogs. But it'll have to wait. I should mention that I also love my dogs, but I think everyone knows that.
   I love to lay in bed and watch Proteus move around his plants and through his cave. It is a silent water dance. He is a good fish.  
   
7. Lotion and water. Keep the skin taut and age naught! Or something.
   
8. My car. I actually hate my car so much for the money I have to put into it, but we've gone through a lot. Right now he badly needs to be washed, inside and out. I have been making a habit of leaving my refuse during school in there. It's disgusting.
   
9. The amber on school bus lights. I really just love the word amber. It makes me think of prehistoric insects stuck in sap, misty humid jungles, and distant roaring of beasts.
   
10. The smell of old jewelry. 

EGADS!

You know those bloggers that write long, compelling, and mind provoking posts all the time? I am not one of those. Not only do I very rarely post, but very rarely do I make them long. Nor are they ever compelling or mind provoking.

I should start posting my stories on here. Not the ones I write! I mean I could do that too. But why!? So you jerks can critique me and be all OMG RACHAEL YOU HAVE DSYLEEHCIZA. By the way, Girlfriend and my mom said they think I have Dyslexia. I said I think they're poop smears in return! I honestly think they're right though. I got some problems with spelling, but even more speaking. I jumble everything up and won't notice.

It is embarrassing. :'( I need a T-Rex to ride around so no one will notice my flaws, just my big T-Rex eating their face.

Hah! Okay, sorry about that. I am super tired and the screen is kind of a blur right now. We talked about me posting while super tired didn't we? It never works. Siiigh oh well.

SO.

As of right now I am three days into Medifast. And a week and two days into school.

MEDIFAST:

It fucking SUCKS. Okay, it really isn't that bad. I pussy'd out though and made Girlfriend take half of it. I thought that with all my working out and Medifast I may die from a heart attack or liver damage. Now I'm just worried I won't last two weeks. I WANT A BURGER AND PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE SO BAD. I would throw an antique vase worth 67084 dollars in front of a train for something slathered in butter. I am going to take my Betta fish, Proteus, and fry him in some butter.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Not really. I love him too much. :( Which reminds me I didn't clean his tank yesterday like I was supposed to. Sorry Prote. :(

 Bzzzttt... Medifast is okay. I can taste the vitamins in everything, but at least I can eat one of my own "real" meals. Which is protein and greens.

GREENS AND PROTEIN.

Meat and leafy shit.

I don't feel like talking details right now so here is my latest weight: 198/7. I can't tell on my scale very well, but I think it is 197. That means I have gone from 205 to 197. Idk what that is.

You do the math. It's like 23 or something, I don't know.

SCHOOL:

School is going well enough. I am there almost all day, though I can come home MW's and sleep a while. That is nice! I dream of things like finishing my homework on time. It's great!

I am working out all the time, so watch out for my super massive muscles that will blow down doors. I DON'T NEED TO KNOCK, I GOT GROWN MEN THE SIZE OF HERCULES ON EACH ARM. Fuck ya.

Okay, I realize I am really too tired right now. I haven't said half of what I wanted to say, and made even less than half of the sense I wanted to.

I'm Bilbo Baggins!

Sorry I have failed again. :( Next time will be better! Now go to sleep, losers. We got school in the morning!


(I am just kidding, you aren't a loser. We're WINNERS. Because of our massive biceps.)

My last long blog was really awful, I know... so I am going to make it up to you guys soon. Not right now because I am really nervous about school tomorrow and can't seem to think straight...

I am in fact going to do Medifast, though I only plan on doing it a month. If I like it then I'll go another month, but I'm not looking to lose a shit ton of weight super fast. Though of course that'd be lovely! Absolutely lovely. Medifast should be here next week! Maybe.

I apologize

I have no idea what I was posting last night and I am really sorry about that.

Go strong!

What am I saying. WHY AM I SAYING IT.

It's late, I'm really tired, I need to brush my teeth. Of course I am up and not brushing my teeth though! Oh agony.

I wanted to go to bed 6 hours ago, but I missed it. I am going to go to bed soon but missed my blog and wanted to do a fun update!

Update 1:
I never told you guys about my super fun awesome and taxing trip to Seattle/other WA places. Sorry about that! It was super fun awesome and taxing, so I gotta share some digs with you guys!

I don't know what I am even saying. What am I saying.

Update 2:
I am way too tired to be blogging/functioning right now. So sorry about that.

Update 3:
Girlfriend wants me to do Medifast. Have you heard of it? Click here to find out more fun stuff!

Now have you? I, too, wonder why they are medifast1.com and not just medifast. I am too scared to try and go to medifast.com and see if it was taken. What if medifast.com is a spam site and killer robots find me and chop off my head and eat it and gain my power and take over the world because I am so powerful that robots can take over the world after eating my flesh??????

Hot damn I am really tired! I am really jealous of people who can write when they are tired and not make mistakes. I am consistently misspelling words and it is no fun. Well, misspelled in the way that write becomes right, sight becomes site, left becomes up, and phone becomes cheese.

Also - the television isn't shut off and so now it is blinking in anger of all the energy I am wasting but I know if I get up I am going to go to bed. I am too committed to this blog though!

So, anyway, I think I am going to do it. There is some jazz about it being created by cardiologists and that is chill with me because I have a really high cholesterol (even before I was an obese monster). It kind of scares me because my doctor told me I wasn't going to live a long and happy life. Just a short and shitty one! She looked into the future and saw nothing but death and failure.

My doctor was a gypsy apparently.

So yeah, I am supposedly on the fast track to death right now and I wanna hop off that track and onto the hill of not death. You know in movies when they hop from a train and roll down a hill? I wanna do that. It will be painful and miserable, but oh well.

This is why Girlfriend says Medifast is the way - at least to help lose some weight the first month. I am super skeptic about diets, but why not. It can't kill me, right!? Right? D:

If you need to know - after I moved to Portland from Seattle (I moved from Naches, WA in 2008 and lived in Seattle until July of 2009) I weighed 140 pounds. I wasn't really that skinny, but I was okay with it. I have no idea how much I weighed before I moved to Seattle or during my Seattle stay because I never had a scale. I remember I wanted to get down to 120, but never thought of exercising or diet because I was poor and walked everywhere in Seattle. I ate once a day, sometimes I skipped eating. What a great diet plan!! :D

No it wasn't, don't do that. That isn't healthy.

I kind of stopped caring about weighing myself and stopped walking everywhere and had a job and food and money. I don't know how much I weighed between the time I was 20 to 21, but I know after I turned 21 I gained a lot of weight. A LOT OF WEIGHT. Like 30 pounds in 3 months.

I went from 140 to 200 pounds. I don't know when I gained all the other weight, but it happened.

Doesn't that kill you! Bet you can't stop laughing and/or crying right now!

I am pretty okay with my weight... except that I can't where most of my old clothes, stretch marks, not cute as I was.

Okay, so I'm not okay with it.

This is why: MEDIFAST.

And working out and stuff. Girlfriend and I try to walk 3 miles at least 4 times a week. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. She is wanting to lose weight as well. Only 20 pounds (which isn't a small amount, but it is compared to my 60 I want to lose). I eventually want to lose 80 pounds, but 80 looks like so much more than 60 that it kills me. KILLS ME.

Do you wanna know why I wanna lose weight though, really? I'll tell you...: ZOMBIES! I am so worried that if there is some tragedy or war or whatever like a Zombie Apocalypse that I'd die because I am fat and can't run or do things.

I am trying to eat better too, but it isn't working so far. That is why I am going to try Medifast, to start my body loving not eating 303855 calories a day and loving to eat 300 or whatever calories you're allowed to eat with Medifast.

If I do do it, I'll update and let you guys know what's up with it, but don't expect me to post pictures and junk.

Update ??:
I forgot where I was because I went on that tangent... Oh, well! Did I tell you I'm not watching the kids anymore? Probably. I think I did. I have been watching them a long while now (my niece and nephew) and it is really weird not doing it anymore. I am trying not to butt in and set them straight since my sister is watching them now all day and I don't want to undermine her, but it is so hard sometimes! Not undermining her, setting them straight. I immediately went on that Seattle/WA trip (which took like 9 days or whatever) after I was done watching them and I woke up a couple times crying because I missed them.

REAL MEN DON'T CRY.

Fuck.

I am such a woman though. And real women cry a lot. Some real women don't. Other real women don't cry hardly at all (like Girlfriend). Men cry too, btw. Okay. EVERYONE CRIES. Phew.

Update err 4?:
Fall Term is starting soon. I am going to Portland CC another year because U of P was way expensive and I need 4000 more to go there. I need a new job! WHhhhhHy.

I'll be taking adv creative writing, yoga, a class about volcanoes, intro to drawing, and a health class! I will also be doing improv :D. I really hope I don't have a stalker that is going to figure out my schedule because that is really scary. :(

I will update you on my classes, Medifast, and whatever the fuck else whenever I feel you need to be updated.

But Medifast won't happen until I get financial aid. And only if I don't need my financial aid badly. Because it is EXPENSIVE.

Sweet dreams! :D

Mice

I have been working on this post forever! I don't know why I am being so lazy! This happened probably about 3 months ago...

---

Girlfriend and I broke up for a while, a week exactly. It was one of the worst weeks I have ever experienced. Girlfriend seemed to take it well, so good for her. Bitch. Just kiddddddddddding, Girlfriend. Stop crying!

I was going to blog about it all but decided to try and keep the whole ordeal mostly private. It was a difference of opinion/life style thing and I wasn't looking to embarrass either of us. Or jeopardize us getting back together... Anywwwwway... It was a Thursday night when we broke up (I broke up with her, ahem) and a Thursday afternoon when we got back together. She was adamant that she make me dinner and that the two of us drink massive amounts of wine. It's her way of saying "Sorry" or "I am going to murder you and eat your flesh later and need you massively intoxicated so you don't know what is going on". I'm not sure... What I am sure of is this: she understands me unlike anyone else... She gets me. She knows that you need to give me food and wine to quiet my anger. I am so lucky.

This is why I love Girlfriend. We made Sangria with bubbly wine, grilled chicken, and ate fresh strawberry salad, and rescued baby mice.

ROMANCE KILLER ALERT: Always check the grill before you barbecue unless you want to be surprised by something.

It was all set, beautiful! I made the salad, she prepared the chicken. We made sangria together. She goes to open the grill and and I hear her longing voice... far off and sultry. "Uh, Rachael. Can you come here?"

"This better be good," I was about to pour myself my first goblet of the sangria.

She points to something in the grill, I tell her that she's disgusting and needs to take better care of her things. In the back of the grill is a big mound of leaves, fur, thread, etc.

"I think it's a nest!" she says. Sure, I think. We just got back together and she's trying to win me over, doesn't want me thinking she's a slob (because there can only be one! And it's me. I'm the slob.)

I move in, testing the waters. I blow on the nest a little. Rattle the grill. Howl. Then I see it; something gray and tiny writhing. Then I see IT; something gray and big, running. Baby mice and momma mouse.

"TURN ON THE GRILL. KILL THEM!" I shriek. End their suffering - they aren't long for this world and I was hungry!

"Uh..." Girlfriend looked at the nest. "I think that's not... uh... Okay."

"You're right," I say. What was I thinking. "Take them out, clean them, then grill them!" tonight will be a good feast, I thought.

"Rachael..."

":("

"Be honest..."

":'("

"Go on..."

"FINE. We need to save them. WE NEED TO SAVE THEM. Find a box, stat!" I went into super savior mode. I was trying to act tough for Girlfriend, but I CANNOT LET A BABY ANIMAL SUFFER. Or something. I don't know. If we had just walked off and baked the chicken all woulda been fine.

Girlfriend comes back with gloves and a strawberry box. She informs me the mom will kill the babies if our scent rubs onto the babies. I cry in horror. I stop crying after an hour and realize "Eh, it's nature."

---
So, this is where I left off... However many months ago. I am going to try and remember what happened but errr...
---

We battle through time and space to capture the babies which actually is much easier than it sounds. We just lifted the nest up and place it into the strawberry box. The hard part was the mom ran off with three of the babies. We tried getting her out of the grill and after about two minutes she jumped from the grill onto Girlfriend's porch that is on the second level. We then proceeded to lose the mother mouse and can only assume she fell to her death, but not before dropping another mouse.

We saved four mice, lost two and the mother.

What a good day!

Hahaha, ya, no. Since the mother was gone it was up to us to either leave the mice in the forest or help them. We helped them because I wanted to raise them and use them in my SUPER MOUSE CIRCUS.

I searched the internet for help, learning to feed them soy baby formula every 2 hours.

You also have to rub their baby bellies after feeding to help them to do their business.

I can't remember, but I think our mice were 8 days old. Furry and gray, but eyes closed.

That is a bad picture, but fuck you'll live!

They were adorable, they were sweet, they were hard to feed, and they made squeaking noises that freaked me out and kept me constantly checking on them.

We made a small nest for them in my niece's fish tank stuffed with hand warmers, cotton balls, and tissue. It was pretty good - except that you HAD TO FEED THEM EVERY TWO HOURS. I'm not sure if you missed that earlier, because I didn't think it was a big deal at first either. Except it is.

I realized I wasn't going to make it at 4am the next day. I had homework I wasn't able to do because I was tired, my brain was barely working. After a whole day of feeding and squeezing them free of poop I knew it was over for me. I woke up with my alarm, in tears. Girlfriend woke up. 

"I can't do it! Just bury them in the back! I give up!"

"You'll just cry harder if you do that."

"I don't know what to do though. I am so tired and I have homework and I am watching the kids in a day and I can't do this anymore!"

I would be able to stop feeding them every two hours in like four days I think, but this was ridiculous. I wouldn't be able to feed them while in class and running errands. I flew too close to the sun.

That next day we gave them to a pet store that I am pretty sure froze them or fed them live to a snake.

RIP BABY MICE

I have fat hands.

Also, I miss them sometimes.

Snapped back

Back home after a week away. I forgot to even say I was leaving I think, so OOPS. I will be blogging soon about my mad adventures you all missed out on. Right now I need to figure out how to life again. Unpack, clean fish tank, sleeeep.

SEE YOU BABYCAKES

My Happy Relationship is in Jeopardy

Girlfriend just announced she finds John Marston good looking. That she is oddly attracted to him. I can only see this as one thing.

SHE WANTS TO BE HIM.

I suppose it isn't THAT bad. He is quite a catch:

Panties just dropped

Siigh. But... next thing I know she'll be dressing like him. Acting like him. Expecting me to be a whore with a heart of gold. Pfft.

That's when it starts to get kinky.

Pictures:
All Tied Up
Staring off into the Sunset

Musings of a Nephew

Edit: I added in a picture. You're welcome.

Summer is finally here! I finished my finals and am off free until the end of September. Now... I just have to find a new job and possibly an apartment. Woo.

I started off my boss summer going to lil big burger for a blue cheese burger and truffle fries, then followed it up with chevre and marionberry habenaro jam ice cream at Salt and Straw.

I started off my summer with the kids (I have less than 2 weeks left with them!:( ) by taking them and the dog on a walk, followed by some awesome library time. On our way to the trail I had my niece read to my nephew to keep him from asking me questions like "Why is the sky blue" "Where does milk come from" "Why do you sneak into my room at night and whisper unsavory things". Siiigh KIDS, right?

I was driving fyi. I would have read the book in my best Morgan Freeman voice but I was too busy trying to hit old ladies and babies in strollers. Racked up some major points today!

My niece was reading A Pocket for Corduroy (because I couldn't find Corduroy Finds the Box of Matches) and it gets to the epic part where Corduroy realizes he doesn't have a place to put his can of chew. He is furious! So is my nephew.

"He needs a pocket for his pocket knife!" yells my nephew.

Awwhh... I have taught them so well! My niece and nephew high five'd each other and cackled at the thought of Corduroy with a pocket knife.

Girlfriend said she will edit a picture of a girl to be on the receiving end of the knife. Fun to come!

My nephew had more to share once we got back from our spree of madness. As I pulled my automobile into my designated parking spot my niece took note of a bird in our lawn. A MOFO BIRD TAKING UP LAWN SPACE! She probably said that, I can't remember.

Well, my nephew was furious. Livid. Really mad!

"That is the bird that was eating our blueberries!" my niece said. This is what she actually said, I remember that.

"What!" my nephew was clearly speechless.

"Oh cool. That's cool. Awesome," I was clearly ready to take a nap.

"Well, at least I think that is the bird. They all kinda look the same. That's a robin I think. Aunty would you say it's a robin?"

"Looks more like a pterodactyl to me," I started to get out of the car. "Don't forget Aunty's booze on the floor," I reminded the kids with a smile.

Before my niece could say "yes master" my nephew quipped up.

"No! Don't move. We have to be quiet because I am going to go catch that bird...." my nephew said with a gleam in his eye. "And suck it's blood."

And all ended well for all parties except for the bird.


Pictures:
Corduroy Book
Kickass Knife

School Library Construction

I have been at school since 1230pm today writing about the ways men and women develop, looking for jobs (only to discover my resume is on my sisters computer) and messing around on Facebook. Also, I have a giant zit under my nose I keep going to the bathroom to try and pop. It keeps getting bigger OMG make it stop.

Anyway. The library is being ripped apart right now. There is absolutely no downstairs anymore. It is empty and eerie. Upstairs the book shelves are placed in aisles, construction workers are going back and forth in hard hats (why don't the students get any? aren't we in danger of falling debris!?), and some lazy kids clog up the walkways.

It is a battlefield to walk from the study room to the bathroom to poke at my zit. I can't help but wonder what would happen if there is a fire? How will I get out of here?!

I am going to die in a fire. With a zit on my face. This is how the world will remember me.

Fuck.

Home Alone - OMG

Alright, so it's been a while... but I swear for good reason. If I blogged the ninjas would know I was alone and they would come and murder me. And steal all my shit.

I live with my sister, her husband, and their kids. They all left for TWO WEEKENDS AND THE WEEK IN BETWEEN. Do you understand? Not just 7 days but NINE DAYS. I was alone for nine days. Nine whole days. Well, eight and a half since they got back today around 3pm... but they left Friday afternoon. Ugh math. Anyway. My sister has a really big house. Not a mansion, but still big enough. When they leave I freak out. FREAK OUT. Do you get that I am using caps? It is for emphasis that I get freaked the fuck out when I am left alone in this house.

The last time I remember them leaving I was too scared to even leave the house. I did leave it once. Right after they left. What a mistake! I went to go get coffee I think, and when I came back I thought "What if someone came into the house while I was gone? What if they're still here? Fucking fuck my fucking fucks." The dog, Tucker, was with me that time. I felt kinda safe because he is a dog and they smell danger. Except Tucker is getting up their in years... what if he missed something? Suffice to say I began spiraling into a reincarnate of Emily Dickinson. I stood by the window, writing poetry on a life I'll never have, braiding my leg hair.

I had refused to open the door at all, unless it was to just peak outside and grab a box that may have been delivered. When they got back they were pretty upset I didn't get the newspaper. I was being irresponsible because people would have known they were gone. They didn't understand! If I left the house, the door unlocked (even if I locked it, shit who knows!!!!!) some ninja would get into the house and murder me and rape my corpse. They made a valid point though. I had to get the newspaper because then they will just break in and the rape and murder my corpse. Omg why would they do that.

This time Tucker had to stay someplace else. Nine days by myself. Oh hells no!

Girlfriend stayed with me.

It helped! Kind of.

I talked her into making a camp downstairs to minimize going upstairs (the scariest part of the house! So many dark corners...). It was pretty nice until we started watching scary movies on Tuesday. We watched a rather lame movie called Grave Encounters. It really wasn't that scary, but I was freaking out. For some twisted reason we thought it would be a good idea to sleep in my room this night.

Around 330am I went to the bathroom. I came back into bed and remembered the movie we watched. It was a ghost movie, but who cares! Ghosts ain't shit. I can take down a ghost with a gun that takes down ghosts. What I heard was a ninja. They don't make guns for ninjas!

Why the hell am I scared of ninjas? Good question! I'm not. It is more CIA black ops. Or something. When I was a kid I used to imagine myself getting kidnapped during class by CIA type people all dressed in black wielding laser guns. I don't know what they wanted with me, but boy did they want me. I probably thought at the time they wanted to unlock my massive brain waves and harvest power greater than the sun. It took me a while to realize I wasn't a genius and just average. A girl can dream though!

So, this CIA ninja black ops laser gun dude was creeping upstairs. I started to cry.

DON'T YOU FUCKING LAUGH AT ME. YOU WOULD CRY TOO.

"G... guhhh... girlfriend..." I stammered to Girlfriend.

"What? What's wrong?!" So much concern! She popped out from her little Hobbit hole she dug in my bed.

If you know Girlfriend please imagine her popping out of this. Please. It's funny!

"I heard something!"

"What?"

"The stairs, they creaked." 

Are these tears or sweat rolling down my face?

"WHAT?" 

"I mean, the wood is old... it was creaky!"

"You're scaring me!"

"I AM SCARING ME!"

"Rachael, it's fine! Go to sleep."

"But... but..." I started to whimper. "I can't!"

"Do you want me to check the house?"

"N... no..." I was nodding YES YES YES. 

"Ok, then sleep!" she didn't see my urgent nodding.

"I can't. They'll kill me."

"Oh my GOD. RACHAEL. Stop it. I am going to get into my car and drive off if you don't quit it!" 

Maybe she should, I thought. I could crawl into her hobbit hole and watch dat fine ass leave. Mmm ya. 

But no. I was scared! I agreed. I'll sleep. Haha, no. I'll just be quiet and cry silently to myself. 

Right when we started to lay down my phone went off. It was my friend Jaimie. She was scared too. It was dark and her boyfriend was gone. Sigh, oh Jaimie! I know! I KNOW!

We talked and I told her to sleep. I was braver now, knowing I wasn't alone. Maybe I just transferred all my fear to her and she never slept. Sorry about that.

Anyway. We didn't die, get raped, robbed, or anything. We went to a casino one night too. It was fun! I am glad my family is back though. I can sleep without the fear of death! So good.

Also! Girlfriend and I got new tooth brushes. They vibrate and Girlfriend kept making jokes about how we'd use them later. GET MY MEANING? 

Ending post on a sexual innuendo. Brush well!

If Girlfriend doesn't break up with me...

then I will make her this:

Mushroom Cappuccino w/ Truffle Foam

And she will love it. Because she loves mushrooms and I think they're nasty.

An award for putting up with my crazy! I'll make her a mushroom cap and buy mushrooms from a shady man that he says to brew in tea and omg I'll even eat a mushroom.

WHY DID I DO THIS

I missed people saying I looked like Justin Beiber so I cut off all my hair. I gotta clean it up, but yea this is what I DID:

There is nothing good about this, I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW

I cut it off in a rage, thinking it was a GREAT IDEA. Girlfriend and my niece were all "Uhhh... No. It isn't too late to glue back on your hair..." Oh well. Whatever. They'll get over it.

And so will you.

And so will I.

OH GOD WHY.

Second Life

I was at Girlfriend's house watching her play Call of Duty when I thought - DAMN, I want to kill people too! But all I had was my laptop and if I killed Girlfriend with it then how would I log onto Facebook? Instead of killing her, I gave her a kiss on the head. This would adequately hide the dark thoughts I just had from her. She ignored the kiss and continued to "KILL ALL N00BS". My rage raged on!

I sat down with my laptop. Looked at it. Turned it on. Laughed at my funny background.

My background - LOL SILLY PONY, FIRE IS FOR KIDS

I laughed at that for a good while. That guy is totally going to mount that thing. Good thing there was some good Samaritan taking a photo of it to let the world know. MAN WITH ORANGE UNDIES - your pony touching has come to an end!

After I laughed I closed my computer and went to see Girlfriend playing CoD more. Dammit. That's what I was doing - killing people! I got back on my computer and onto Craigslist. I posted a beautiful post asking people to let me kill them. Craigslist sent me a beautiful email telling me I was breaking some rule. I don't know. I sat there, thinking... thinking... thinking... It was hard for me, but finally I decided to try Second Life. Have you heard of it? Cool, I don't really care.

Click here to see Second Life! And start your own dream!

I'm not sure if you can even kill people in Second Life. I heard about it long ago, and again a couple months ago when I read a Dean Koontz book called Darkest Evening of the Year. It's about golden retrievers, which is why I got the book in the first place. I sure do love myself some dogs, especially golden's. They are precious monsters! The book made me cry more than once, omg. SHUT UP. Okay, so anyway. There was this guy in the book that killed people in real life and was obsessed with Second Life. His obsession was so deep that his life in Second Life was his REAL ONE. I wanted what he had! 

The book that made me cry. Shut up. Again.

I'll be completely honest. I wasn't sure I could kill people on this game. I found place to buy guns but I was 00$ into the game and couldn't afford what they were selling. Maybe you just carry the guns around to look cool. That makes sense! Instead of murder, I went on a quest to find love. Real love, not that fake stuff Girlfriend and I have. A love filled with sex! Digital sex. Lots of words. WORD SEX. I was so excited! I was going to meet some frisky girl or guy and get it on Second Life style! 

Only problem was I wasn't allowed in any of the grown up spots, and had no idea how to get to private places. As a bottom feeder I had to start at the beginning: NEWBIE LAND. Or something like that. I was looking for clothes. I got a pair of really ugly white boots but fuck. I HAD BOOTS. My very own boots!! A very friendly lass informed me - on my way out of newbie land none-the-less) my character was obviously a start up one (but... but.. my boots!) and she answered lots of my questions and gave me new hair! Oh hair! She helped me find some new nice clothes too. Apparently she has some boyfriend on the game and was waiting for him, but didn't mind helping me out. She was super nice! 

But after two days and about 1 hour of game time - no one asked me for sex. I went to some sex store and saw a guy walking around with a giant sex doll on his dick, but that was it. Sorry I forgot to take a picture of it.

I was done with the game. What a waste! Before I quit it for good I took some pictures. Just for you!

First picture: (notice my cute outfit? Thanks girl I can't remember for all the help!) I got all excited because from far away I thought this girl was one of my favorite bloggers Xiaxue (check out her blog here). She wasn't. She was some person "Waiting for their mommy." Her mommy was supposed to be there to help her dress up but was late. I suggested looking down some food aisles and ran off.

I fell about 10000 feet into a river. I honestly thought I was going to die but I guess everything is on some loop.

Relaxing. Do you see that spot in the back? By the orange planet.

I floated out to her and asked if she was okay. Maybe she got stuck in the gravitational pull of the planet, but I guess they just logged off. I spent a good two minutes looking up her skirt. 

Keiry has is showing off some time period love. Apparently she is a vampire.

I kept following this person around and tried getting them to want my hot bod. This is my mating stance. I told her that the teddy bear could join, but I guess I wasn't her type. Look at those guys in the back having such a fun time. I feel gypped.

Gypped is a lot like gypsy... Am I being racist saying that?

Anyway! That was my adventure. It was really lame.

BTW - I will never kill Girlfriend! Unless she makes me really mad or if it is an accident.