Home Alone - OMG

Alright, so it's been a while... but I swear for good reason. If I blogged the ninjas would know I was alone and they would come and murder me. And steal all my shit.

I live with my sister, her husband, and their kids. They all left for TWO WEEKENDS AND THE WEEK IN BETWEEN. Do you understand? Not just 7 days but NINE DAYS. I was alone for nine days. Nine whole days. Well, eight and a half since they got back today around 3pm... but they left Friday afternoon. Ugh math. Anyway. My sister has a really big house. Not a mansion, but still big enough. When they leave I freak out. FREAK OUT. Do you get that I am using caps? It is for emphasis that I get freaked the fuck out when I am left alone in this house.

The last time I remember them leaving I was too scared to even leave the house. I did leave it once. Right after they left. What a mistake! I went to go get coffee I think, and when I came back I thought "What if someone came into the house while I was gone? What if they're still here? Fucking fuck my fucking fucks." The dog, Tucker, was with me that time. I felt kinda safe because he is a dog and they smell danger. Except Tucker is getting up their in years... what if he missed something? Suffice to say I began spiraling into a reincarnate of Emily Dickinson. I stood by the window, writing poetry on a life I'll never have, braiding my leg hair.

I had refused to open the door at all, unless it was to just peak outside and grab a box that may have been delivered. When they got back they were pretty upset I didn't get the newspaper. I was being irresponsible because people would have known they were gone. They didn't understand! If I left the house, the door unlocked (even if I locked it, shit who knows!!!!!) some ninja would get into the house and murder me and rape my corpse. They made a valid point though. I had to get the newspaper because then they will just break in and the rape and murder my corpse. Omg why would they do that.

This time Tucker had to stay someplace else. Nine days by myself. Oh hells no!

Girlfriend stayed with me.

It helped! Kind of.

I talked her into making a camp downstairs to minimize going upstairs (the scariest part of the house! So many dark corners...). It was pretty nice until we started watching scary movies on Tuesday. We watched a rather lame movie called Grave Encounters. It really wasn't that scary, but I was freaking out. For some twisted reason we thought it would be a good idea to sleep in my room this night.

Around 330am I went to the bathroom. I came back into bed and remembered the movie we watched. It was a ghost movie, but who cares! Ghosts ain't shit. I can take down a ghost with a gun that takes down ghosts. What I heard was a ninja. They don't make guns for ninjas!

Why the hell am I scared of ninjas? Good question! I'm not. It is more CIA black ops. Or something. When I was a kid I used to imagine myself getting kidnapped during class by CIA type people all dressed in black wielding laser guns. I don't know what they wanted with me, but boy did they want me. I probably thought at the time they wanted to unlock my massive brain waves and harvest power greater than the sun. It took me a while to realize I wasn't a genius and just average. A girl can dream though!

So, this CIA ninja black ops laser gun dude was creeping upstairs. I started to cry.

DON'T YOU FUCKING LAUGH AT ME. YOU WOULD CRY TOO.

"G... guhhh... girlfriend..." I stammered to Girlfriend.

"What? What's wrong?!" So much concern! She popped out from her little Hobbit hole she dug in my bed.

If you know Girlfriend please imagine her popping out of this. Please. It's funny!

"I heard something!"

"What?"

"The stairs, they creaked." 

Are these tears or sweat rolling down my face?

"WHAT?" 

"I mean, the wood is old... it was creaky!"

"You're scaring me!"

"I AM SCARING ME!"

"Rachael, it's fine! Go to sleep."

"But... but..." I started to whimper. "I can't!"

"Do you want me to check the house?"

"N... no..." I was nodding YES YES YES. 

"Ok, then sleep!" she didn't see my urgent nodding.

"I can't. They'll kill me."

"Oh my GOD. RACHAEL. Stop it. I am going to get into my car and drive off if you don't quit it!" 

Maybe she should, I thought. I could crawl into her hobbit hole and watch dat fine ass leave. Mmm ya. 

But no. I was scared! I agreed. I'll sleep. Haha, no. I'll just be quiet and cry silently to myself. 

Right when we started to lay down my phone went off. It was my friend Jaimie. She was scared too. It was dark and her boyfriend was gone. Sigh, oh Jaimie! I know! I KNOW!

We talked and I told her to sleep. I was braver now, knowing I wasn't alone. Maybe I just transferred all my fear to her and she never slept. Sorry about that.

Anyway. We didn't die, get raped, robbed, or anything. We went to a casino one night too. It was fun! I am glad my family is back though. I can sleep without the fear of death! So good.

Also! Girlfriend and I got new tooth brushes. They vibrate and Girlfriend kept making jokes about how we'd use them later. GET MY MEANING? 

Ending post on a sexual innuendo. Brush well!