I finally know what it is like to break up with someone. Not like the two other times I broke up with Girlfriend, but the real, satisfying break up. The times before... I wasn't ready, I regretted it as soon as I ended it. I took her back instantly. I cried and felt sorry for myself. I said nothing bad of her.
This time was extremely different. For two weeks I have dreaded Girlfriend coming to visit on the weekends (she lives an hour away at college). I would be fine when she'd leave, awesome during the week... Thursday came along and I would get anxious, hyper-emotional, and stressed. I didn't realize I already knew, somehow, that she was lying to me. This last week I have had several dreams of breaking up with her. Why is my intuition so strong, but logic so stunted? They need to learn to work together...
It was like a light-bulb going off when I realized what was going on. It took me a whole day reflecting for it to finally click. When she finally got her on the phone, she fessed up to it almost immediately. So good for her I guess.
I didn't really cry, except on the phone with her. When I think about her I don't miss her, I just feel sorry she is fucking up her life. I had made it pretty clear we were over for good if she lied to me again. Maybe she didn't care, maybe she didn't believe me. I wish she would have had the gall to end it then instead of making me endure it for another two months.
Truth be told, I do love Girlfriend and I can't imagine my life without her. But it is time to cut her out of it. She doesn't belong here, not the way she has decided to behave. Which is being immature, lying, acting selfish, and... can I say immature again? Or maybe 100 more times?
My sister said to me, "You'd take her back, wouldn't you?" I don't want to admit it, but I would consider it. I want to, I really do. I hate it. I am sure everyone has said "But... we were going to be together forever..." and been crushed with the realization that forever is a really fucking long time. But I can't get back with her. She lies about serious and trivial things, breaks promises, and makes me feel like a shitty person all the time. Unless she decides to really change, we'll never get back together. And that won't be for a long while. A really long while. People can change, sometimes... but you can't know for sure how much they've changed unless time has tested it.
So now, she is Ex-Girlfriend. And I make no plans to mention that name again until she gets her life together. I mean, if she gets her life together. I want to have faith in her, but I think 9 months is all the patience I had for it.
If I were to offer help to her (you, I know you're reading) I would say:
1. Check out your schools counseling center. They have a lot going on and I know you could find help there. You aren't a teenager anymore, it is worth trying. You can do private counseling and group workshops. You don't have to be in it alone.
2. Move out when you can. From what I know, the person you're living with is negative and just fuels anger and violence.
3. Try and date other people. You'd always say I was the only one for you, but you're limiting yourself too much. It is worth it to at least try to see what else is out there.
I do love you, but you need help. More than I can offer. Maybe when we're done with school we can try it again, but not before then.
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For now, I am going to watch the second season of The Walking Dead, work on homework, and study for midterms. Monday I have an interview with Sees Candies, mmm. Wish me luck, bro! Seriously. WISH ME LUCK.
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