It's been a while, so here's a trashy story

That's a pun! I'm really PUNNY.

Get it? Punny? Okay, whatever. Shut up.

Week's ago I lost my retainers. No, I misspoke. I didn't lose them. I put them on my "nightstand" (a Rubbermaid container) and they went missing. I knew I hadn't lost them, because I remembered clearly putting them there wrapped in a paper towel. (I use a paper towel to place my retainers on in the morning if I wear them to the kitchen. I take them out when I get water or eat something, and place them on a paper towel.) This particular time I wrapped them up and decided to just leave them in there because I'm lazy. I did bring them upstairs, to presumed safety. I am usually the only one who is in my room, so I wasn't worried about them disappearing or being thrown away.

A couple days later I have a headache equal to that of Zeus' when Athena was born. The only cure for this was an ax to the head/my retainers. I grind my teeth and have found that the retainers help an awful lot in relieving the pressure. They hug my teeth, showing them love and compassion! There has never been a better friendship than that of my teeth and my retainer.

I went to get my retainers on the makeshift nightstand. They weren't there.

Panic.

My school books were covering the nightstand! Hope! I took the books off.

Panic more! PANIC MORE!

They weren't there! Where are they?! I looked under the bed.

I looked on the bed.

I looked under the bed again.

I looked under the bin.

WHERE ARE THEY. OH THE PANIC.

I asked Girlfriend if she knew. No, she said. I was convinced she knew though. Who else goes in my room besides toe eating gnomes?** I described to her the situation again. Paper towel, wrapped up, pounding headache, retainers...

No, again. No no no.

I was beginning to consider becoming an alcoholic to dull the pain of this loss. My only friend would become a bottle of... uh... Apple schnapps? I don't know.

It may seem silly to be up in arms about something as silly as retainers (btw: they keep your teeth straight after wearing braces). Maybe to you, because maybe you have never had shitty teeth or braces... but to me they are my babies. I lost them years ago and finally paid for new ones. $750.00 for the both of them. They are worth it though, believe me. I have way less headaches and my bottom teeth are realigning. My teeth resembled that of a meth addicted shark before braces. They were overlapping, turned around, twisted, pointing in, pointing out... I was embarrassed of them and for a kid like me - one that loves to make jokes and be loud - it was hard. I couldn't keep my mouth closed, but if I didn't I was stared at and made fun of.

Sap story aside, these things are fucking important to me! So important that I would pay $750 to have another pair made. But my credit card can't handle that stress, so I would have to pain myself to search for them.

Three hours and a day later I still couldn't find them and Girlfriend finally was over to get some lovin' from me. But I had no love to give. I hadn't showered in a day and 3 hours now, I was wearing the same clothes I was 27 hours ago, and I had began to scratch tally's into my walls for every minute I couldn't find them (that's a lot! I think. I can't do math!) I wasted more time tallying than I had actually looking. For Christs sake, what took her so long to get here?!

"WHERE ARE THEY!" I growled, spitting on her on accident. "Sorry about that," I apologized. It is rude to spit.

"Where are what?" she was probably really just over to play Red Dead Redemption and I was in the way.

"My retainers!" had she somehow forgotten my 442 texts? (Yes, yes she had).

"Oh, what?"

I told her again. I pointed to where they were, and made hand gestures of how they were wrapped up.

"Uh... I think I threw them away," her face wasn't nearly concerned enough.

I knew it! I knew she did something with them!

She was sure it was hopeless, the trash had been taken out. They were gone! No, no. She was wrong. I knew the time frame, and we still had until Monday before the garbage disposal people came. She promised to help me find them, and so we went to the store and got yellow plastic gloves and those face masks painters wear. I wanted to buy a candle, too. They had those soy ones that are kinda spendy but they look cool! Girlfriend didn't look pleased with my sudden wantonness so we left with the goods.

When we got back to my place I said I thought we should start with the trash that was still in the house. It was half full and wouldn't take much time. "No," Girlfriend said. It had been too long, we should go through the trash that was outside.

I didn't want to, but whatever. Okay.

It was one of the hottest days yet. I believe it was almost, if not, 80 degrees. I live in Portland, OR so don't you dare scoff! The trash bag was stewing for hours now in the bin. You could smell it 10 feet away, if not 100! I remembered throwing away bad sausage in there and was dreading seeing that again. Girlfriend opened up the bag, brave and looking to redeem herself for the sin she committed. We laid out newspapers and got another bag to transfer trash into.

I found a plastic bottle. I threw it into the recycle. Angels praised me, "You're an environmental hero!" Bells rang, horns tooted, harps chimed.

I found the sausage. It was mushy and juices filled the Zip Lock bag I had put it in. I retched, and the angels cried.

15 minutes later, no dice. I felt sick and Girlfriend was determined. There were no other bags in the bin so I went to retrieve the one inside. I wanted to cry. If they weren't in this bag then hope was gone!

4 minutes into looking in this new bag - this bag that had barely anything in it and no stink at all - Girlfriend found them. She held them high like a prize and broke out in song. I told her it was in this bag! I should be the hero, not her! Why doesn't she ever listen to me?!

But I got over it pretty fast. I grabbed my retainers and ran inside with them. I stripped the gloves and mask off and threw them outside at Girlfriend. "YOU TRIED TO KILL MY BABIES! You threw my babies away!! You're a monster!" She WILL go on trial for this one day, make no mistake.

I scrubbed them with soap, then again. I soaked them in bleach and water. I scrubbed them again. Finally, they were bathed in vinegar for a few hours. After all the mayhem, they found their home again in my mouth.

And, this, is why I will remember to put my retainers in the designated container.


Rachael

**These are VERY real and have been stalking me my whole life. I'll have to tell you about them sometime!!