Finals

School is over in two weeks, which means I'm as stressed as a screaming banshee. Don't be misled: I'm not stressed because I think I'm doing badly in school, I'm stressed because I have to actually do the work. I have never felt this nonchalant and unharried about school. It was always "Do the work or fail, and failing means your life is OVER."

I can trace back to grade school having this mad obsession with good grades, which are A's and B's to me. I like B's, they are comfortable. It means I did a lot of work but not the stuff I didn't think was worthy of me... or that I didn't do the work that hard and got a couple shitty grades on assignments.

High school wasn't that great, a C+ and a D- in my Mathematics' classes. It was a hard time for me, and has no relevance right now.

So be it.

Last term I was worrying about getting a C in my Philosophy of Religion class (a class I hated horribly). I ended up with a B in the class, but would have been given a guaranteed C if I hadn't done the final optional essay. I don't worry about my life ending, instead I think, "I could do the work, learn it really well, and get an A in the class. But what's wrong with a C?"

I think being this laid back about it is generally healthier for me, but the long term effects could be disastrous. What happens when I don't get accepted into a University because of my lack of drive this term? "Rachael, you did phenomenally well the first two years, but what the fuck happened? Sorry, but you won't be going to Harvard... ever." What a bunch of dick licks.

At the rate I am going there isn't a doubt I'll end up pan handling for butterscotch candies on Burnside. Sweet, sweet, butterscotch candies. Spare me a nickle, and I'll buy mine own... My hair gray and in disarray, clothes in tatters, a stuffed cat on my shoulder.

(No, I don't really want to go to Harvard; I'm too good for them).

It isn't really hard to grasp why I am doing so badly. It's my girlfriend. Really. It is all her fault. Okay fine, no it isn't. I should be responsible enough to take charge of my own downfall... but whenever I try to do anything I just get lazy and think of the next two years... our life together... a small house with too many dogs... 


It is embarrassing. I never thought I'd be this obsessed with love. I was perfectly happy until she came along (maybe that's a lie, I was soul crushingly lonely a lot of the time). It has been four months now since we started dating, and all I can think of is "What will tomorrow be like for us?" not,  "My teacher is going to be so disappointed in me if I don't get this project done."

The time I used to dedicate to school work I now dedicate to her. She is doing well in school since she can spend some real time away from me, but I am with my niece and nephew all day. That is obviously no excuse since I got real work done before the girlfriend. Something just makes me too tired to really do work. I want to just hang out with my niece and talk, or play video games with my nephew. School work is senseless now.

 I know I should find the strength to just FOCUS, but shit I'm weak. I won't be happy in the long run with school anyway.

But what a lie! What happens if we break up and I have no good job? I can't rely on her anyway, that is unfair. I love her too much to make her do all the work. I have to do better, I have to get that English Major.

Because I'll go real far with that.

Rachael